It is amazing just how challenging the simple act of waiting can be. Waiting to move, waiting for medical results, waiting to hear after a job interview. I am of course specifically referring to the latter, and I must admit it is taking every ounce of my faith, courage and conviction to wait. I have always been a little (depending on the event, a lot) impatient about waiting for things to come to fruition. Call me a control freak if you will, but I believe I am equally a part of my culture…that American social structure of instant gratification, instant results, instant oatmeal.
It’s like that bar of chocolate I buy that has eight squares and I tell myself I will be disciplined and enjoy one square each day, delighting in the firmness as I bite into it, savoring the chocolate as it melts on my tongue. And after that first square I find myself tempted to have another, and if I am not careful I have eaten the whole thing in one evening. While that may not necessarily be a bad thing on occasion, it still illustrates the dilemma of waiting.
Waiting for the results from a job interview, I find I am more frustrated with each day that passes, wondering, “Did I answer that question the right way?” “How many other candidates were interviewed?” “Will I be offered the job?” “Will I get home to an impersonal letter in the mail thanking me for my time and “good luck in the future.”
Then the next wave of emotion crashes down, filled with questions of “Did I make a mistake giving up my jobs and apartment, packing up my life and heading west to a destination of choice, not based around a job, but a desire to live where I want to live?” “Was I a fool to traipse into the unknown with only a couple thousand dollars and no idea where I would land and what I would do when I did?”
I take a moment to consciously connect to my breath, to exhale slowly, to allow the next inhale to naturally happen, to slow down my thoughts by focusing on my breath and the present moment.
And what I find is peace.
Perhaps the need to cry….
Not to cry out of sadness, but out of fear of the unknown and simultaneously for the courage I had to actually follow my heart and make a bold step out into the world to follow my bliss. Yeah, I will admit it is scary and exciting, that it evokes anxiety and anticipation, that I have no idea what will come next… but I am willing to persevere and take the amazing opportunities, employment and social, that this journey has to offer.